by Richard Coulson
First published in The Tribune Business and posted here with the kind permission of the author.
We see Imaginary scene this week in office of Rt. Hon. Perry G. Christie, Prime Minister, joined by Hon. Philip “Brave” Davis, Deputy Prime Minister; Hon. Fred Mitchell, Minister of Foreign Affairs; and favorite speech-writer nick-named “Bright Boy”. They are discussing his key-note address at the imminent Bahamas Business Outlook Conference.
PGC: OK, we’ve got a theme – A Bold Agenda for the Next 25 Years. So what do I say to make it bold? Fred, you’re always good with words—give me some bold ones.
FRED: Well, I predict that 25 years from now, Bahamians can do everything; not a single work permit will be granted. And every Haitian will be back in Haiti.
PGC: Fred, please stop beating your Haitian drum. At last year’s conference, I let you talk and you scared everybody. Bright Boy, make a note of that “we can do everything”—I like that. But nix that stuff about no work permits. I don’t want Fred to start cancelling them right before the election and turn off any foreign bucks for my campaign.
BRIGHT BOY: Got it, sir. Bahamians can do everything, thanks to the dynamic youths who will be growing up over 25 years.
PGC: Fine. I just hope we don’t have another 2,000 dynamic youths who get student loans and then stiff the Treasury $60 million without any payback. Brave, you may get my job if I drop dead, so give me a bold idea that you too can run with.
BRAVE: Forget about talking 25 years when we’ll all be dead. We have maybe twelve months to solve our up-front catastrophe, that elephant in the room Baha Mar. Everyone will be waiting for you on Thursday to pull a rabbit out of the hat and announce good news: Chinese loan being settled, sale and opening being arranged, contractors to be paid, thousands of our people soon to be at work! Tell Bright Boy how to write it.
PGC: Brave, you know every day I am getting expressions of interest, not just wheeler-dealers looking for a cut, but direct from big boys who can perform. Any day now they’ll hook up with the Chinese.
BRAVE: Yes, any day now! Expressions of interest don’t cut any ice with the Chinese Bank. What they want is -
He is interrupted by phone ringing on Prime Minister’s desk.
PGC: (on phone and scowling) I told you no calls. . . oh, I see, put him on speaker so we all can hear. (to group) Well, it’s Liu Liange, President of Chinese Export-Import Bank. (on phone) Good morning, Mr. Liu, what a pleasure to hear your voice once again.
LIU: Ah, distinguished prime minister, for this humble person is equal pleasure and I hope you enjoying sunny Bahamas morning. For me is near midnight in cold rain of Beijing, where we at Bank work all hours to benefit Peoples’ Republic of China. I now tell you I am calling from office of my superior honorable Hu Xiolian, Chairman of our Bank. She wishes take few minutes from busy schedule for amiable discussion with your goodself. I now transfer to her.
HU: Yes, esteemed Prime Minister, my time is taken with many tasks since last February I was honored with appointment as Chairman after 30 years of service to the Peoples’ Republic in financial postings. I regret I was unable to meet with your distinguished Attorney General during her two visits here, although puzzled about the purpose of her travels, as so little was accomplished by her and her colleague, the eminent Sir Baltron Bethel. However, as I Iearned to say in my English studies, that is now water over the dam, and the problem of Baha Mar remains for discussion between us, now that the visionary but misguided Mr. Izmirlian has left the stage.
PGC: Madam Hu, I have of course learned of your leadership of the Bank in recognition of your many years of expertise, and as leader of my nation I am delighted now to establish this high-level contact that will I hope lead to fruitful discussion. I can inform you that we have had many approaches from unimpeachable international investors seeking to participate in the ownership or management of Baha Mar and thus relieve your Bank of its present heavy burden of an unpaid loan.
HU: Prime Minister, I must in turn inform you that thanks to diligence of our intelligence directorate we are aware of all those approaches and their, if I may say so, highly ambiguous content. I suggest, dear sir, that they might better have been made directly to our Bank, rather than to your goodself, since it is we who control Baha Mar.
PGC: And I must point out, Madame Chairman, that the property sits within the territory of the sovereign Commonwealth of The Bahamas, where your esteemed Bank is recognized only as lender, not the equity owner.
HU: Let us not quibble, but my legal department advise me that under your own laws of receivership we, as senior lender of some $2.5 billion of defaulted debt, are entitled to foreclose and assume full rights of ownership. Unless of course your Government should wish to exercise its sovereign power of confiscation, with all the painful international consequences?
PGC: No, of course confiscation is never considered.
HU: Never? Very well then, my esteemed friend, let us understand that we will study all these approaches with the greatest care and make a final decision that will suit the financial interests of our Bank and, of course, the strategic political interests of the Peoples’ Republic.
PGC: And when, Madame Hu, might we expect your decision?
HU: Please, honored Bahamian leader, do not press me for date. We must respect old Chinese proverb, “Best for small hare not to hurry large bear.” You have my good faith assurance that we will act with all deliberate speed, as our Bank is aware of political realities facing you in May of next year, our Year of the Rooster, that may crow well for you.
PGC: Very well, and in good faith I accept your assurance.
HU: I cannot fail to mention certain concessions your Government could offer to encourage speedy decision.
PGC: We will of course give friendly consideration to concessions. What might they be?
HU: Many senior executives in Bank and ministries suffer from their unending toil for the Peoples Republic, particularly in freezing months when, I must admit, our technocrats have not yet eliminated unhealthy toxic Beijing smog. A winter holiday in Bahamas could
do wonders to restore well-being. Some might even plan to acquire property for repeated visits, or create companies for tax-free business when they reach honored retirement age. I am hopeful that your regime of permits and taxation could be waived or relaxed for our citizens of recognized high standing. Perhaps even I. . .
PGC: Say no more, my dear Chairman. The Bahamas will be most welcoming. I will arrange the details with my fellow Cabinet members.
HU: I am grateful that we understand each other. I regret I must cut short our brief conversation to return to my other duties. May I wish you auspicious Feng Shui for all your ventures.
PGC: And may the spirit of Junkanoo be with you, Madame Chairman.
The call ends
PGC: (to group, mopping brow) Wow, that is one tough lady!
FRED: I can fly out tonight and make a deal with her.
PGC: Fred, you stay here. That female could eat your lunch and take the white shirt off your back before you even flash your teeth.
BRAVE: So what did she give us? “All deliberate speed” – all deliberate baloney! And that phony Chinese proverb, made up on the spot!
BRIGHT BOY: Look, it can sound great. PM reports first direct contact with Bank Chairman, a lovely lady, who assures speedy decision. Details later.
PGC: OK. You write it up, and I can handle it. We can do business with that lady, blah, blah. Listen, I’ve got another meeting – got to jack up the Carnival Commission to take some action not just sit on their butts. You all come and clap hard on Thursday, hear?
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Mr. Coulson has had a long career in law, investment banking and private banking in New York, London, and Nassau, and now serves as director of several financial concerns and as a corporate financial consultant. He has recently released his autobiography, A Corkscrew Life: Adventures of a Travelling Financier.
